That Dream...

Why is is that whenever someone tells me they 'had a dream I got engaged last night' they never remember who the guy was, what he looked like or atleast a name?!

"The Talk"

This past week, I got 'The Talk'. Yup girls and boys, aka lads & gals, aka, gentlemen and women, I'm not referring to "The Talk" where your parents sit you down, nor am I referring to "The Talk" where you get told about the birds & the bees.

I'm referring to "The Talk", or as I like to think of it-"The Tell-Off", which usually comes from a shadchan or person who knows you well.

"The Talk" consists of someone who knows you, or perhaps doesn't know you at all, who 'redds' you a shidduch or doesn't even have to, but who feels the need to (what they feel is) educate you in the ways of life and tell you off about your attitude, opinion(s), feeling(s) and dealing(s) in shidduchim and the way you go about your dating life.

"The Talk" is the need of others to tell you-the unexperienced one (being that you are single) what it is you are doing wrong since you are indeed, single.

So, I got "The Talk" this week. It was from a woman who knows me and my family, not THAT well, but well enough to make a suggestion or two. She did redd me a shidduch in the past and brought up another one a while back and recently another guy, who, after alot of nudging, I agreed to date. "The Talk" she gave me lasted for what seemed like FOREVER. She went on and on about how I should be the age right now (she had to ask how old I was!) to know what I want and see how things work and that at my age, I should know that people come with baggage and there are alot of crazies out there and being that she was offering me a decent guy-which I TOTALLY agreed with, that I should marry him. .

In any case, I had my reasons for not wanting to continue and they were very valid. However, this woman went on with 'The Talk', fighting my every valid reason with "but THESE kind of boys make good husbands and good fathers and good life partners" as well as "no one gets divorced from THAT kinda thing" and lastly "well, he's like that now, but BELIEVE me, he will be TOTALLY different once he's married".

Yup, so, after what seemed like ages, and telling me that I'm old enough to know that what comes sooner than later or more singles with more baggage and more issues and I should settle just because he's decent, I felt like I had enough of "The Talk".

In the end, I told her my answer is still no and you know what-after that entire "Talk" and telling me off, and pushing and convincing and almost ensuring I will never find someone, or if I do, he will be crazy and have all sorts of issues and baggage-after I again, explained my reasoning=she AGREED with me whole heartedly!

Just goes to show-you don't havta let "The Talk" take you over!

Response to 'Revolving Doors Rule'

Whilst speaking with my friend, Suri the other day she mentioned that she had a date last week and on the date, they were walking into a hotel lobby. There were 2 doors at each side and 2 revolving doors at the middle entrance. Whilst she prayed that they would enter through the regular side doors, the guy walked straight to the revolving doors, walked into one of the 'sectionals' and then turned around.

Suddenly, Suri didn't know what protocol was for these type of doors. Even though she's been on loads of dates, she couldn't remember where she was faced with a situation like this. The guy was waiting, so she quickly hurried in after him and went into the same 'sectional'. Whilst telling over this story, Suri was cracking up at how 'claustraphobic' she suddenly became and how careful she was, making quick small steps and trying to keep whatever distance she could behind the guy.

When their date was over, again she prayed he would take a side door, but he went back to the revolving door and held the sectional for her asking, 'are you hopping in?' which left her with no choice but to join him.

A few friends in the room agreed they woudl've done the same thing and went into the same sectional as the guy, whilst others laughed it off and were like 'no way!' and 'why share' and 'there's no room'.

I told Suri I would post this here-even though her date is over-just to get comments and hopefully give her some kinda answer for (if there is a ?) next time-if a revolving door comes into play.

I, personally, don't know what I would've done, but I guess if you're put on the spot.....

Is there really a rule about revolving doors?

Boy's Mama busts a Move

I know the title sounds like some kinda comedy movie title, but I just thought it would be perfect for the story I just heard.
As a disclaimer: This was heard from a reliable person, but it is only second hand information, so details may not be exact.

This story is about a boy's mother...
who also happens to be a 'shadchan'...and is known as such...
her son's a great guy-a real catch-unbelievable masmid, etc. (as his mother claims he is)

The girl who told me this story knows this woman, for this story-let's name her Mrs. Mama. So, this girl knows Mrs. Mama, as her mother is friends with Mrs. Mama and they go back a long time. A few weeks back, Mrs. Mama called her mother like 20 times a day. Her mother wasn't home the first few times, so Mrs. Mama called every family member of that girl's mother and tracked down her mother's cellnumber. Again, the mother's cellphone wasn't working so she kept badgering the family. Eventually, the girl's mother got through to Mrs. Mama and asked Mrs. Mama if everything was ok, as she heard she called numerous times, dialed every family member and left messages sounding quite urgent.

Mrs. Mama said everything was ok, but she was calling because someone mentioned a girl for her son, her son who is single and amazing and great, etc. and she knows that this woman knows the girl who was redd, very well.

Indeed, the girl's mother knew this single girl well and gave her all the information she knew, as well as references, etc.

This went on for a few days-all the back and forth, etc.

Then, the girl's mother didn't hear back from Mrs. Mama at all for weeks.

The girl's mother decided to give Mrs. Mama a call and find out if everything was ok or if she still needed information and at the same time, to catch up on old times, like they used to call each other every few months.

Mrs. Mama was surprised the girl's mother called, AND she surprised the girl's mother by stating that the girl redd for her son is infact a beautiful, welldressed, thin, put together girl.

The girl's mother asked how Mrs. Mama knew-she sounded as if she had seen her.

Mrs. Mama said she DID see her.

The girl's mother, knowing there was no connection and no way Mrs. Mama could've seen the girl other than in a photo, asked Mrs. Mama how she saw this girl.

Mrs. Mama said 'simple. I'm a Shadchan and people know I'm a Shadchan so I get all kinds of calls, emails and people coming to see me. I had set this girl up once before and it didn't work out, in the interim she had come to see me, so I saw for myself and I think she's perfect for my son.'

Now, personally-I think that takes guts! Can you imagine going to see a Shadchan and only finding out afterwards, she wants you for her son?! I guess it depends on the Shadchan-it can be a compliment or an insult.

And finding out the REAL reason why the 'shadchan' aka boy's mama wanted to meet you in person?!

I give Mrs. Mama credit, but I don't know if I would want to be in that girl's shoes!

So much for being Inconspicuous...

So, I grab my short lunch break today and head over to the closest fast food place. Of course, I'm rushing and of course-because I'm rushing-there is a huge line infront of me and what seems like an endless amount of people at the cash. I panic, but only just a bit, thinking I will be spending all of my lunch time waiting in line-but that's what we do for food.

Suddenly, I hear a voice, more particularly that voice, the one of the town yenta, the lady who knows everything about anyone, the one who gets under your skin, who you avoid at Simchas, who occasionally calls your home number because 'she just met this guy at the grocery store' and you see her number on caller ID and don't pick up, cuz you know that call is headed with the rest of her calls-NOWHERE.

So, I hear that voice and I cringe, try to hide behind the person infront of me and grab a peek. Sure enough-it's her: THE TOWN YENTA, the NATIONAL NUDGE, the woman you would do anything to avoid meeting, seeing or bumping into. By now, there were people behind me and only 2 people ahead of me at the cash, so it was too late to turn around. I quickly took cover behind my funky iphone and sent some 'important' emails which i concentrated very hard on. Lucky for me-YENTA didn't seem to notice myself. However, just then the guy at the cash calls out 'NEXT', and I hear YENTA, who says the following:

"I can't order now, can't you see I'm trying to redd a Shidduch!? You want me to stop helping this sweet girl, I mean, how can I NOT redd her, she's such a great girl...'

I was mortified for the girl, I was thinking she's probably MELTING (or atleast hoping she would melt right there on the floor), and then I move a bit to see the girl=it was actually a friend of mine. Luckily, the girl IS a sweetie (score 1 for Yenta) and she smiled her sweet smile and shook YENTA off. Only, after YENTA eventually ordered (lotsa angry customers rushing during lunch break) she went back to the girl and infront of everyone in the place, starts yapping about her personal love life and asking questions and pushing her to go out. The girl was like, 'umm, no thanks, I mean, it's really nice of you but I don't think so....'

The next thing I know, YENTA, calls the guy standing RIGHT BEHIND this girl. A tall blond goodlooking boy turns around and YENTA tells him loudly, infront of the girl (who is now standing right infront of him) and says 'why not? I think you guys would be great together, it's worth a shot. give her a chance...'

(I'm watching this, thinking A-W-K-W-A-R-D and at the same time-should I video this for youtube?)

The guy looks at the girl and smiles, then tells her they're actually traveling on the same flight, so 'you never know' and 'we can see'.

Wow! This woman seriously is tops at her job as YENTA-or even better! I was soo thankful my friend walked away from it and held her head high, leaving with some pride.

Me, on the other hand, I hid behind the tall goodlooking guy, whispered my order, paid for it and RAN!

Some people just still don't get it....personal life is called PERSONAL life for a reason!

Sayings from the Shadchans

Whilst most of us usually get a call from a Shadchan, opening with the usual line 'boy have I got a guy for you!' or 'I just met the greatest boy' or 'I just got off the phone with this boy-he sounds PERFECT for you'.

(Guys-a disclaimer-I don't know how it works in your world, whether the Shadchan calls you directly, or your moms, or whether you just get told or paid to go out with girls, but the above definitely sums up the kinda calls us, girls receive.)

Now, whilst most of you heard the typical 'selling opening lines', some of you may not have had the 'pleasure' of hearing some other lines from Shadchanim...the ones following their introduction. In that case, I take the opportunity to give you the top 10 'Sayings of Shadchans'

1. 'So, why do you think you're still single?'

2. (after finding out by your OWN research, that that the guy was previously married and has a few kids and confronting the shadchan) 'So what?'

3. (after hearing specific harmful info on a guy) 'Oh...I didn't think it was important to tell you'

4. 'You're (insert age here)?!??!?! I can easily sell you for (3 years younger than age)!'

5. 'There aren't alot of guys around who fit into the category of what you're looking for'

6. 'Is it mainly you who says no, or is it the boys who say no to you?'

7. 'Well, no one is getting younger here'

8. 'Thank you for calling the ___ family. If this call is in regards to Shidduchim please do not leave a message, please call ___ or email ____' (never returns messages)

9. 'He's not heavy-he's just working on the run, so he eats in his car...but once he gets married and settled, then I'm sure all his weight will come off.'

10. 'I have a guy who's everything BUT what you're looking for...You interested?'

The Shadchan Circle

Speaking about the Shidduch Shlep-I have a small story to insert here that I realized I never had a chance yet to post.

During the years that I've been dating, we've been in touch with a Shadchan from an out of town city-amongst many other shadchanim, groups, websites, etc.

In any case, I met with the shadchan a couple of years back, filled out a form, checked off the category that most closely represents me and paid the 'donation'.

Over the years, this shadchan recruited a few different people, some of whom I've spoken with on the phone, or have emailed, some have set me up, others 'redd' some shidduchim, etc. The group grew a little bigger and was now offering more services, but we've been in touch with the same few people. At some point, they mentioned they recruited some younger married people and from different backgrounds and whenever we have a just, I should 'drop by and meet them'.

So, eventually, I got my gang together and took a roadtrip to meet up with this 'shadchan circle'. Let me just say-I wasn't happy to go. I was not gonna get all dressed up, hair blowdried, heels and all, just to sit in a room with a buncha 'bored, middle-aged/or young women, who wanna have company whilst they drink coffee and gossip about singles'. However, after much convincing (see what happens when you tell your friends its a segula?!), I went along and we met in their 'main room'.

The 'main room' consisted of a large conference-type table, with lotsa chairs and 3 women, I senior citizen-cute bubbie type, one middle-aged, and one younger married woman. There was a PC in the corner, some filing cabinets, some posters, a few binders with documents and some photos, a few board games, etc. The minute I walked in, I was looked at my friends and gave them 'the look' that said 'FIVE MINUTES AND THEN I'M OUTTA HERE!'.

After interviewing each of us, then showing us our resumes and photos and asking if there was any update or changes, and then interrogating and chatting about all our dating experiences, we were questioned about our dating history 'was there anyone you ever went far with? that you thought was 'the one', that you felt was most shayach?' What happened? Who said no?' etc.

Then after about what seemed like forever-smiles all pasted on our faces, with our hands politely lying on our lap, the woman walked over to us and said that even though they have our information at hand, they like having photos attached to each resume, so they know who to refer to. She then took out this large, old-fashioned camera (think 1980s) and took a shot at each of us. We were stunned and didn't know whether to laugh or not. Was this a joke? Apparently, it wasn't.

On the way out we thanked them for their time, and noticed they had a wedding picture lying on the table, with handwritten names next to each person and some faces were highlighted. Hope it wasn't any of my friends weddings....(perhaps that's why they needed to take new pix?)

'The Shadchan Shlep'

There's this thing I labeled 'The Shadchan Shlep'. It's one of my least favorite things-but one of those 'well, everyone does it, and you're not getting younger' things that me, being a single, frum girl has got to do.

What the Shadchan Shlep is, is basically what it sounds like-shlepping out to meet shadchanim. Whether in the same city, 5-15-30 minute drive, or going out of town to meet them, or if you're out of town already, for vacation or a Simcha, scheduling to meet with shadchanim-which will always turn out to be a shlep.

Some people think it's worth the Shlep.

Me, being in 'the business' for a few years already, have 2 ways of seeing this.

a) It's a good way for the shadchan to get to know you (first impressions are everything), see you, listen to you, and get a feel for you. Hence, you hope they will offer 'more relevant' shidduchim for you.

b) What's the point? They've already set you up, or never answer your calls, or redd you totally-not-type shidduchim.

However, you gotta do your hishtadlus and I still think-if it's not that much of a shlep-go for it.

If it is a shlep-talk your single friends into a road trip-tell them its a Segula-and watch them run to pack their stuff.

Besides, now that it's the summer, who doesn't wanna do a roadtrip with their friends? Besides nowz the time to 'chap arein', before Yeshivas begin (if they haven't already!)

Looking Good-without a reason

I read BOSD's most recent post and I havta say I TOTALLY agree!

If you haven't already read it, I linked it above, but in short, she writes about people commenting on the fact that she's getting engaged just cuz she lost some weight.

I have a friend who, although we live in the same city, because of our jobs and distance, we only get to see each other so often (if you don't count webcam chatting) and every time we meet up, she tells me I lost weight OR my hair is so good OR I'm dressed really well OR some comment that is followed by: 'is something happening? r u getting engaged' and I must say, even though we're friends, it definitely bothers me. It's like you can't look good unless there is a reason. Which must mean I always look 'that bad' or 'that shluchy'.

The other day, my co-worker walked into the kitchen whilst we were both getting coffee and she told me I lost weight. I responded in all of honesty by telling her, 'ya, I did. I didn't eat supper last night-as I had lunch at 3pm and this morning I was 2 pounds less on the scale! I should try eating a late lunch more often!'

In this day and age, when, unfortunately, eating disorders and the such are becoming more common, people shouldn't really focus so much on 'skinny-looking good'. Smiling=looking good. Being more happy, more yourself, FEELING good=looking good.

I know of a girl who was literally glowing and a few weeks later she got engaged. Did anyone comment on the fact that she seemed 'happier, 'lighter' or more 'easy-going' lately-nopes. Wear your hair down one day-BANG! she's getting engaged!

sheesh people. For the record-I once went on a date with an out-of-town guy, who, before our date, mentioned we were going to some kind of amusement park place and even suggested I wear jeans and put my hair in a pony-JUST FOR THE RECORD! see? it is possible to go on a date with your hair up. (Once you get married, its either less hair, no hair-if you're chassidish, or hair up in a clip/pony, so what different does it make?). Besides Pony Shaitels are in style for the time being....

Next time you see someone who is a few pounds less-just give them a break and be happy for them and wish the same for yourself.

Meet and Greet? or Meet and Beat?

This has happened on more than one occasion; you go out with your friends and you spot a younge couple on a date. Be it day or night, it makes no difference, it is uncomfortable for atleast one of the parties there.

Personally, I met a few people I knew on my very first date-which was in broad daylight, and although far from any Jewish area, it was a gorgeous day to be outside, hence the Jews traveled out of there way and we bumped into each other. Since then, if I happen to ever meet people when I'm out on a date, and we make eye contact, I smile (from far) or just say 'hi, how are you' and move on with my date.

There are some people who are more 'shy' and prefer to remain 'inconspicuous', even though they know they have been 'spotted' out. Hopefully, the person who 'spot's them gets the hint by noticing the obvious avoidance of eye contact and walks out. Then again, there are those who aren't that perceptive and who will walk on over, introduce themselves to your 'beau' and have a 5 minute chat. Lucky for me, I've had one of those stop by my table at a restaurant once and talk to my date for 10 minutes. He also asked my date what his name was, how old he was, what he does, etc. Weird-but what can you do? smile and move along.

Point being, you gotta know when to meet and greet, or when to get the hint and just beat. For example, I've seen a few people out on dates and knowing the people on the date-if I knew they were the type to be embarassed to be seen, I looked the other way, walked all the way to the other side of the room and made myself distracted to save the date of embarassment or knowing she was seen. If I see someone that I know would be insulted if I wouldn't smile-or someone I know who gives me the look-that puppydog-eyed- look that says "PLEASE SAVE ME NOW", then I do what anyone in that situation would want-I walk over and save her, or make eye contact to meet @ the bathroom in 5.

I guess that makes me both-a greeter and beater-depending on the person I spot, or the person that spots me, which in my case would work as follows: friend or friendly=greet, yenta or nuisance=BEAT!

Viral Video: CAMP SIMCHA WAVING FLAG

re'ACTION'

I'm taunted by a quote from the Harry Potter movie where Harry goes to the wand shop and tries out his wand, the guy says 'cuuuurious, very cuuurious'.

That's because, I am curious-curious to know if and how you would react to the following:

You're 'redd' a shidduch and it just happens to be you know the party you're being 'redd' to. You don't know them well enough to think it's sooo for you or sooo not, but you know them well enough that you wouldn't make too many inquiries.

Whatever the case is, let's just say the idea of the shidduch is ok-its not OMG amazing and its not one of those suggestions where you're like 'what the heck were they THINKING?!?'

So, because you sorta know the other side you say ya. It might not be exactly what you're looking for but atleast you know a bit more than the usual.

Only to find out that after being pushed for an answer-the other side, who knows you as well as you know them, says no.

Personally, I don't care and I don't take any 'yes' or 'no' or 'he's burned out/busy/lookin for something else/heard you're not his type' personally. I think it's a decision everyone is entitled to make and there doesn't havta be reasons.

However, in the above case, I sorta feel for the single, in the sense that it wasn't really what they were looking for, but they put themselves out there and were willing to give it a try, based on what they know, without doing too much research and then, only to get turned down.

How would you react?

Warning Sign?

I was in Shul Shabbos when one of the women leans over and whispers something in my ear. In all of honesty, I was trying to hear another conversation so I just smiled at the woman and said uh huh.

2 minutes later when I realized I didn't have in on EITHER convo, I turned to the woman who was whispering and asked her what she said.

She told me there was a frum couple who went on a date that week and she wanted to give me a warning. She explained that she knew the boy and his family and they are very frum, nice people. The boy took the girl to the city, or as some people call it 'downtown' and they went to a lounge, or something of the likes. The guy walks with the girl to the bar and asks her if she would like some wine.

The girl asked the guy-'is the wine here Kosher?'

....it wasn't.

So, this woman was just giving me a word of warning. Now, I don't know this guy or this girl, but I guess she meant don't rely on anyone, no matter how frum someone is or may appear, always rely on your instincts.

and also, in this guy's case, if the girl wouldn't ask him...-don't drink and drive!