Rhyme & Reason?

I was at a friend's house when she got 'a call' from a Shadchan. I allowed her some privacy which turned out to be a very loud and persistent conversation, lasting approximately 20 minutes. When she was done she was quite frustrated to say the least and explained the matzav:

A few weeks earlier the said shadchan had redd her a shidduch explaining that she has this 'amazing guy, great family, goodlooking, superb middos, etc.' and she should look into it. Oh ya-and she didn't mention the name. Over the weeks they called the shadchan to get the name and details of the guy and some references. The shadchan provided her with his 'resume', which listed 3 references and all 3 being people whom my friend knew.

She called the first reference-who claimed she only knew the boy's aunt & uncle

She called the second reference-who told her that she has no shaychus with the family, but her son married a girl who is first cousin's with the boy's father, so perhaps she knows.

She called the third reference-only to be told that this reference grew up with the boy's parents 20 years back.

She did the only thing logical-she asked reference #2 for son's wife's parent's cousin's number ans spoke to person who KNEW boy AND family. Then all the REAL info came out and one by one they listed things that she TOTALLY was not happy about to say the least.

Then-I was at her house and that is when the Shadchan called to see if she had an answer. She asked the shadchan if she knows the boy and/or his family. The shadchan said no. She asked if she ever SAW the boy. The shadchan said no. She asked how the shadchan knows them and could redd a shidduch like this. The shadchan said-well the other day she was sitting at the sheitel macher and heard the lady next to her mention the name of this boy, so she figured she'd pass it on.....

Long story short: my friend told the shadchan all the information she got and listed all the things she heard that she did not like, just to inform the shadchan in case she wishes to redd it further.

But that was not enough for the shadchan, she didn't like the reasoning (of which were numerous and very reasonable) and still kept pushing. Why can't Shadchanim just respect the decision(s) we make and move on!? what makes a reason 'good enough' or 'not good enough'.

My friend was soo upset by this that she ended the call by asking the following to the shadchan-(which is something I will now use as my backup question)

"would you consider this boy for YOUR DAUGHTER?!?!"

Funny how the shadchan had nothing to answer and suddenly that last line was the best reason!

Hooked on a Feeling...

Because of Sefira, I've been listening to alot of acapella music lately, some Jewish, some non-Jewish, which is how I got to the title of this post. If you haven't already heard their music, and you listen to non-Jewish music-get hold of some of 'Rockapella's' music. I especially like their song "Hooked on a feeling", but acappela music is NOT the point of this post-it is only relevant to the title, so moving along here...

Last night my friend Shoshi called me. Shoshi is the kinda gal who I rarely get together with because of our crazy busy schedules and distance, so when we finally DO get together, its usually for something more formal, or some 'crazy once-in-a-lifetime fun thing to do, etc'. Anyway, I haven't spoken to her 'properly' since Pesach (girls will prob. understand this phrase more than guys), and so when she called me yesterday we finally had a nice 1 hour chat. Started off consisting of the usual=crazy day, crazy co-workers, crazy friends, mean remarks people make, horrible things people do, singles, dating, horrifying dating stories, terrible shadchans who lie, etc.

Shoshi is also the kind of girl who gets what I call 'hooked on a feeling' and by that I mean the following. Shoshi will hear about a guy and go through all her investigations to find out about him, asking as many details as possible. Then nothing happens because no one 'redd' him, she just happened to hear a 'name-drop' and based on that name, she did all her research and gets totally 'attached' and for nothing! But during the investigative process she gets emotionally involved and it could go on for weeks, when she finally realizes that since there is no way she can get someone who knows him and/or her to 'redd' it or get the guts to ask someone to 'redd' it, reality slowly sets in and she gets into a 'depressive state' where she then cuts herself off from the world by turning her cell off and turning her tv on.

Last night, Shoshi asked me about this guy, who she said she knows I went out with. Turns out I did go out with him and gave her all the information she would ever want-lucky for this guy-he was a really GOOD guy! She sounded sooo excited about it and then I asked her who redd it-BAM! she said no one redd it, she just heard about him and this time she actually built up the courage to ask people to redd it but to no avail=they just said he was busy. So even with that in mind, she still went around 'collecting information' and for what? Just to fall down her slide of emotions again?

How can people get so 'hooked' so to speak on just a feeling? Is this normal?

Can Girls just BE FRIENDS?

The other day I met u with a friend of mine for lunch and we got talking about the differences in atmosphere at the places where we both work.

I work in a Frum company, where I am one of the two single girls at the office and there are a bunch of married women.

My friend, works at a Frum company where they employ 95% single girls and 5% married women.

I always thought that it would be awesome to work in a place with lots of girls my age. It's fun to have more co-workers you can relate to on a personal basis. You can discuss all your dating horror stories and actually have an audience who understands you. Shopping together must be fun, not to mention lunch breaks, etc.

However, my friend told me that it is the opposite. There is major competition in workplaces such as hers. All the girls are at the same stage of life=dating to marry. They are all constantly looking good and dressing up. Each one is whispering about the other. When one girl doesn't show up for work, they all sit around and talk about the fact that she is probably 'out-of-town' for a date. When one girl gets her hair cut, they talk about WHY she cut it. When someone lost weight ='there MUST be a reason why' and said reason cannot be 'weightwatchers' as there HAS TO BE a reason behind WHY she IS in fact, on weightwatchers.

I'm not really surprised, as we all went through the 'highschool and then seminary phase' and yes, there was some competition, etc. but come one-these are grown girls!

So, I guess I should feel lucky that I work with only one other single girl and we get along GREAT! Lesson learned-you only need just ONE to make you happy! (and not a room full of single gals to make the atmosphere more akward and uncomfortable)

Excuses, Excuses

In preparation for this entry, I took the liberty to look up the definitions for the word 'excuse', and here are just a few that help introduce this blog entry.

1. reason, explanation

2. free from responsibility, duty

3. announce removal of blame

4. defense against charges of wrongdoing; evidence of absence

5. offering of remorse, regret

6. deceptive appearance

7. cop out: abandon, quit

8. explanation, justification

9. escape, avoidance

10. stop blame and grant pardon

Now that you've all read and understood just SOME of the definitions of 'excuse', you will understand why I don't believe in most excuses.

So today's rant will be on the latest bloke that was 'redd' to me. This same guy was suggested to me a few years back and while looking into his information, I called a close friend of mine who told me not to bother with the shidduch as it is totally not shayach. I called the Shadchan and said 'thanks but not thanks'.

Fast forward year 2010: same guy gets redd to me once again and because we got the name wrong (over the phone mispronunciation-as opposed to emailed/faxed typed resume) we looked into him and heard good things and gave the go ahead. Eventually, we got the correct name but decided to go with the 'hey-you never know' approach and give a yes. Apparently the guy didn't need to even look into yours truly as he was interested the first time round.

Then comes the clencher-will he be willing to travel out-of-town to date? First time round I was told-nu uh-neva, he doesn't GO out of town to date girls as there are sooo many lined up for him in the BIG APPLE. Second time round: He's T-O-T-A-L-L-Y interested and is totally willing to travel......BUT - and here is where the excuses come in. So far, to date-there are atleast 4 excuses I can remember by the time of the typing up of this post, and they are, in no specific order

a) his rosh yeshiva doesn't let him leave until after Shavuos

b) he signed a document saying he wouldn't leave his shiur until after Shavuos

c) he got a new chavrusa and he can't leave now

d) his rav informed him a boy shouldn't travel out-of-town to a place he is not familiar with as he will be uncomfortable and this is not good for a date, so ya, he won't come in for the first time, but IF it goes well, then he can come in.

Rebuttal:

a) which rosh yeshiva would hold back a bochur from finding his zivug, hence getting married=mitzvah for the MAN

b) all rules are meant to be broken :)

c) dude-this is life, you wanna get married, you wanna date, you say yes to an out-of-towner that's how it goes-be a MAN! we live in the 21st century=learn with him on the phone, online, webcam, etc. do what u havta do, heck-bring him along for the drive and learn on the way so as not to cause bitul torah

d) what in heaven's name kinda excuse is that? how many guys have flown, driven, etc. all over the state/country/continent to find their spouse and you think that wasn't 'uncomfortable' for them? What about me as a girl? how much less comfortable would it be for me to travel out-of-town with a bus/train/flight not be at home, etc?

OK, again-still on a rant...also there are other factors in this situation which make the above excuses NULL AND VOID but I will not discuss the other factors in detail. For now let's just use the above definitions for these past few weeks.

He's giving an explanation to free him from the responsibility of traveling, and uses his rebbeim to remove him from blame and defense against charges of wrongdoing-not even willing to travel out of town for good reason. He has no regret-as far as I'm concerned, its all a deceptive appearance-some kind of cop out-or what he calls an 'explanation' to avoid traveling and use his learning to grant him a pardon!

Have you ever heard of such excuses?

Chassidish Lady Gaga Wedding Entrance

yup-you read the title-watch it here:

Coming to Terms...

During my dating 'history' I've encountered a few guys who had 'terms'. By this I mean that they had certain criteria which had to be met before going out.
I DON'T mean, the hashkafa, background, age, looks, etc. But more like 'if you go out, you havta agree to meet my mom after the 3rd date', or 'if you agree to go out with him, then first the parents have to discuss money', etc. Even BEFORE going out with the guy.
Personally-I HATE(d) these so called terms. As half of the dates I go on with don't last longer than 1 or 2 dates, so what's the point. Besides if they start off with all these terms BEFORE YOU even GET to go out with him-imagine how many more criteria they will have AFTER that!
My Yeshivish friends have informed me that it is normal for girls to meet the guy's parents after a few dates, and Chassidish people have a sit-in so I guess that sorta takes care of that. What about the Frum-in-between, not so-MO, more BY type people-is that a normal request? It sorta freaks me out if a guy says that cuz it means he's serious and wants his mom's approval, especially after only 3 or 4 dates.
What's the norm?

non-Shidduch related...

Just got this email and thought it was cute enough to post, so enjoy :)

Julie Andrews turned 69 and to commemorate her 69th birthday on October 1, actress/vocalist Julie Andrews made a special appearance at Manhattan's Radio City Music Hall for the benefit of the AARP. One of the musical numbers she performed was "My Favorite Things" from the legendary movie "The Sound Of Music."

Here are the actual lyrics she used:

Maalox and nose drops and needles for knitting,
Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,
Bundles of magazines tied up in string,
These are a few of my favorite things.
Cadillac's and cataracts, and hearing aids and glasses,
Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,
Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
These are a few of my favorite things..
When the pipes leak, When the bones creak,
When the knees go bad,
I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I don't feel so bad.
Hot tea and crumpets and corn pads for bunions,
No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,
Bathrobes and heating pads and hot meals they bring,
These are a few of my favorite things.
Back pains, confused brains, and no need for sinnin',
Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin',
And we won't mention our short, shrunken frames,
When we remember our favorite things.
When the joints ache, When the hips break,
When the eyes grow dim,
Then I remember the great life I've had,
And then I don't feel so bad.

Ms. Andrews received a standing ovation from the crowd that lasted over four minutes and repeated encores. Please share Ms. Andrews' clever wit and humor with others who would appreciate it.

who makes "The Rules"?

Recently whilst talking to a friend of mine, she mentioned her brother went out with a girl and got engaged to her after (only!) 3 dates.

They are not Chassidish or Yeshivish or any extreme-just regular, in between, average kinda people.

The reason: The girl was told by her seminary that after 3 dates you get engaged!!!

WHO MAKES these rules?!

Playing "The Shadchan"

Around Purim time I was working on some community mishloach manos project where I met this woman and we got talking. Turned out she has a daughter in the Shidduch parsha who went to live in the "Big Apple" and hasn't found "The One" yet. We compared our dramatic dating stories and laughed about them. Then as she was describing her daughter, it suddenly hit me that I had a guy in mind for her. I told the woman that even though I never met her daughter and I only met the guy briefly, it might be something of interest and she asked me to send her some info. Immediately I got to work emailing both sides, getting the information, answering the questions, etc.

So, this went on for weeks, until they both got 'unbusy'. Every so often during those few weeks, the girl's mom would email me asking if I heard any news from the guy. FINALLY, the time came, I knew both the guy and girl were in the same city AND available AND wiling to go out.

Then Pesach came and went and I heard nothing-NADA, nill, gournisht, shemi, zilch-you get the point!

I was really excited about this idea as both sides really felt it would be shayach and suddenly when the time comes, I was totally dropped out of the picture. Was I insulted? no-I don't get insulted. Did I atleast want to know what was going on either way-well, YA, being that I was involved in the investigative process and suggested it, I believe it was the least I was owed.

Anyhoo, the other day I emailed the girl's mom explaining that I didn't wanna pry, but just wanted to know if they DID end up going out. She emailed me back to say yes they did and while both sides enjoyed each other's company, it wasn't for them.

So, alteast it was fun playing shadchan again, but a life-lesson learned-people will only call/email/text/nudge/bug you when they need you......then you get dropped outta the picture.

"Luv Shots"

It has become the latest trend. It's not downing scotches, nor is it anything to do with shooting.

It's sorta like 'mug shots' in a 'loving sorta way'.

Lemme explain:

Among the 'fresh outta seminary' girls who get snatched before they decide what to do for the rest of their life (aside from marry and build a 'bayis neeman b'yisrael'), aka get a job, go to college, etc. there is a new 'thing'. Apparently, once you get engaged and even after you have the l'Chaim and the vort, in preparation for the wedding, you gotta first take 'luv shots'.

This is done by hiring a fancy shmancy photographer, preferably someone Italian with a rhyming first and last name. Then the Chosson and Kallah meet the photographer and set up a time and day where she can take these 'luv shots'. I, personally have seen a few of these done by different photographers, but basically taken in the same nice parts of town. It's supposed to be a romantic take on a day in the couples' life, so there are still shots, shots in black and white, and some action shots-aka the girl and guy running together through a flower shop.

Then come the 'better pictures'. These are the kind that zoom in on the guy and girl silhouetted, NEARLY touching, but NOT touching, cuz obviously-being frum Bais Yaakov and Yeshiva guys that's a nono, but if you get a really good photographer-lemme just say-the photos speak 1000 words.

There are pix of the young couple sitting on old cobblestone bricks with fountains in the background-the angle almost looks like she is sitting on his lap-but nah! it's JUST a photo.

So, my dear fellows-even I, who enjoys art, appreciates art, works with Photoshop and appreciates photocollages, still don't get how these young 18, 19 fresh-outta-the HADAR-type sems, with Yeshivish guys can take these photos.

OH ya, and then the photographer gives them a personalized link to the photographer's site, so they can view their slideshow online which includes all photos taken and romantic love songs (music only) in the background.

So what are all these shomer negiah, non-internet, non-tv/romance novels kinderlach doin by taking these pix?

Feel free to enlighten me

International'isms'

It's been a quite a while since my last post, which I can blame on a number of things.

a) Yom Tov

b) Pesach cleaning/cooking/baking/preparations

c) Dating

d) isn't there a 'no typing' rule on Chol Hamoed?!? (ignorance is bliss)

So, I do apologize, however, I have come to a speculation over the 'Pesach period'. It's nothing new that suddenly had me enlightened, it just strengthened my beliefs. This belief I'm referring to is 'International Guys'. Yes people-IGs are something I can get used to.

I first thought of non-North American, but that just sounded negative, so International is more like it. I'm talking about well-mannered, polite, nice, young, gentlemen who know how to treat a woman and know how to behave like mentches!

No offense New Yorkers-but when it comes to manners-most of you ain't got 'em (again-I'm only referring to my experience of single NY guys that I've dated, but for the record=not ALL of you...). The few International guys I've had the pleasure of dating have all been overly polite, very well-mannered and treated me like-well, like a woman. Not 'another date' and not 'another number' or 'another out-of-towner'. They've traveled for numerous hours, from a 7 hour to 12 hour to 16 hour to 24 hour trip just to go out and they were all mature and polite.

So, my question is: WHERE ARE THE REST OF THE SINGLE INTERNATIONAL GUYS?!?!