So this past weekend, I was 'lucky' enough to bump into a local Shadchan at a Shul Kiddush. Not only was I lucky enough to see her, but she decided to come over and chat to me about the good, bad, and ugly about being a shadchan. Whilst relating her personal stories and phonecalls, she mentioned something that sorta had me divided.
Basically, she was telling me how she set up this girl from 1 city with a guy from another city. Anyway, they went out for quite a while and the girl wasn't sure if he was for her, but the guy really liked her. Finally, she continued to go out and decided this is it-she's READY to get engaged to him. That night, when she made her decision, her friend got engaged and she went to the vort. When she got to the engagement party, she decided this guy she's dating isn't 'the one' and wasn't for her. She got home, called the shadchan and apologized saying she couldn't go through with this.
Her take on the situation: it wasn't fair of the girl to 'shlep' the guy for so long if she knew he wasn't 'the one' for her.
My take: although I do agree with her somewhat, i have to put in my word as a 'social worker' for my dating friends and personal experiences, that sometimes it is not that one party is 'shlepping' but that they honestly don't know if its a 'yes' or 'no', and after asking around people just say 'continue to date until you find a definite reason to give a no'. So, I can't entirely and wholeheartedly say I agree that someone is 'shlepping' someone, obviously they are continuing because they believe there is reason to go out and there is no reason to say no.
Unless, there are other reasons...feel free to enlighten me...I like a good argument :)
It is always better to call it off rather than to have problems post marriage.
ReplyDeleteLet's be honest. How much you wanna bet that every time this girl talked to the shadchan and expressed hesitancy, the shadchan said, "Mammelah, he's fabulous, he wants you, you don't know if you'll get a guy remotely in this ball park again, you don't want to be single at 35, etc."
Heck, I should know. My aunt (by marriage!) does it all the time. She has quite a record for broken engagements.
So I'm positing that the shadchan possibly created this problem.
I agree-this Shadchan specifically, is the type who would urge people to continue unless they have a 'good enuf' reason to say no, and there are a few shidduchim she made by being pushy-like a few others...
ReplyDeleteI agree with you!
ReplyDeletePersonal experience, apparently SN knew by the 3rd date that I was the one, but I didn't know. I listened to my parents and friend that said just go out if there's nothing wrong, I always felt neutral. Now after the engagement though I allowed myself to open up more and get closer and there are definite things that I like about SN!
Also, beforehand in the summer my cousin hadn't gotten married and i had watched her, the way she interacts with her chosson and i felt that something was missing by them, I expected there to be such a closeness, and that they would always be talking to each other. But then I read lots of articles and stuff that speak about dating, that it's not love and magic. You don't automatically feel something. It's only after you really get to know them and spend lots of time together do you grow a bond.
So it's normal to be unsure and so long as there's no faults, and there's potential to like the person, and they like you, then I say you can go out, and your not shleping the person.
correction, my cousin *had gotten married.
ReplyDelete