Restricted References

Most people list their good friends and sometimes even family as references on a Shidduch resume. Some put their Rabbi/Rebbe, Madricha/Madricha and occasionally someone they worked with/for.

Personally, when I make Shidduch calls, I try to avoid calling references and try to find someone I know, or someone I know who knows someone who knows the guy, so I can find out objective information and opinions. Of course the friends will think and say that the guy is 'A-M-A-Z-I-N-G', if your friends don't say that-they are not your true friends. But as an objective person who knows the family or the boy himself, it's always great to hear what they see about the guy and his family and their take on the situation.

This week I was on the receiving end of the whole Shidduch reference deal. I received a call for a Shidduch of a girl I don't really know well. Sure, I know her name and I see her around at the occasional Simcha, speech, grocery, but that's about all I can really say about her. Which is why I was surprised when, after asking to speak with me, the woman said she was calling about this specific girl. I wasn't really sure how she got to me and explained I wasn't a really good reference as the girl is MUCH younger than me, I don't know her well at all, can't tell her anything about her personality or Middos and we don't hang in the same circles. The woman explained she already knew that, but got my number as she heard I know the mom.

Here's the weird part: I do know the mom. We used to work together closely and she had a reputation for being really loud, bossy and aggressive. I didn't really like her, but work is work. We were civil, got our jobs done and after hours, went home happy (most of the time). So, I was surprised again-that she was asking me about the mom, but when the woman was specifically telling me she was calling as she knows I worked with the mom and that she heard the mom has a reputation I suddenly stepped out of my own feelings. I thought-here's this young girl, she seems nice and sweet-although I don't know her well. The  mom, yes, she is loud and pushy-but she's not a pushover, nor is she mean. They married off kids already and her kids-in-law, as well as mechutanim and grandchildren absolutely love her. She's a kind woman, and is involved in communal chesed organizations. This should not stop a Shidduch and I will tell this woman the bare facts.

And I did. I had to step away from my emotions about working the mom and how frustrating it was when she was loud and pushy, and see the good side. I told the woman on the phone that yes, that is the general reputation, but as someone who worked day in day out-and who knew of her family, her mechutanim, etc.,her bark is louder than her bite. She is well-liked, she gets along with people and really tries to help.

Surprisingly the woman was sooo thankful and sounded relieved. She said this is exactly what she was hoping to hear and was pleased as she had called around only hearing concerns about the mom being loud and pushy. 

Proud to be able to put aside my feelings and really good info.  

Girls-How do you like Them Apples?

My Life at this point in Shidduchim...

If I had to sum up my life right now, I'd need enough of these t-shirts to last a good few months. 

Valentines Day has come and gone. I'm gonna sit here with my box of chocolates and eat them alone in the dark. No one sent me any cute/funny ecards or even chocolate. I know it sounds pathetic, but some small feminist part of me, sorta craves that only in the movies type of romancing-even though I know it's all fake.

Everyone likes to be noticed and appreciated at times, and I guess I'm sorta not feelin it right now.

My dating life has turned into a desert-desperate for rain. I just need ONE guy, ONE raindrop to give me some faith that there ARE indeed some normal single guys out there. The last few have been well...let's just say I wouldn't suggest them to any of my friends. 

Thanks to the blogging life, I know I'm not alone but it seems all too often I'm attending weddings, Sheva Brachos, vorts, etc. and I'm the only single at the event, which then makes me the 'nebach' of the night, hence becoming certain people's "mitzvah project".
It's just all-out awkward. I've tried numerous dating sites. I've emailed/texted Shadchanim. Heck, I even got access to a whole list of guys, yet after sorting through hundreds (yes, and I do mean hundreds) of profiles and checking off atleast 5-10 guys that sounded good. Each one either said no, or didn't get back, for the most oddest reasons. Am I insulted? No, I have enough confidence in myself and each person has their own reasons to say no, whether I believe they are legit or not. Is it upsetting that the guys I find normal aren't interested in me-ummm, ya!
So, can I buy all you single gals out there this shirt, so we can have a gals shidduch protest-it would definitely give us the attention we so deserve (wink, wink)

Being Positive

Taking thing slowly, trying to see the good, and just smiling more. I've really been trying-you gotta understand. Which is why, when the whole 'taking a positive attitude' did me more harm than good.

You see, I was set up with a guy last week, the resume sounded great. I made some calls and for the first time in a really long time in my dating 'career', I was actually beginning to think like this guy was the one. Honest. I wasn't like planning baby names and such, but it was the fact that the references I spoke with described him as the exact, and I mean literally exact, type of guy I was looking for. It was as if, someone had prodded my brain and read my mind word for word about what I believe my future husband would be.

And if that didn't perk me up, I saw a photo and it all seemed to be too good to be true.

Which is where it all came boiling down. Suddenly, my whole 'positive attitude' melted away whilst I was thinking, if something is too good to be true-heck, it probably IS. I was coming up with reasons as to why someone as 'amazing' as this guy, who had every quality I was looking for (based on the info) would want to go out with me? An out-of-towner? someone on the shorter side? Someone who ain't a blond haired-blue eyes model. Perhaps there was a sudden underlying reason? And so began the thought process which commenced the 'mental' trip down positive drive to normalicy.

Eventually, I realized all these assumptions and thoughts would get me nowhere, and then I was back up there-in lala land with Mr. Perfect. I already texted my close friends about my date and asked for ideas about the second date. I was concerned that I would have to take off work (yet again) and already worked up an excuse as to my leave absence.

Then he showed up. I just knew. I could hear it in his voice and saw it in his mannerism. The guy was a total loss. Ya-he looked great, but so what? He was borderline rude, which isn't a compliment the first 2 minutes you meet a guy. He had the air as if he so-could-not-care-less. He did me the grand favor of taking me out on a 4 hour date. Yes-4 hours. and for what? He clearly wasn't interested, barely grumbled out a few words, with some random nods in between closing his eyes. Did he not realize it takes a girl an average of 1-2 hours to prep for a date? And that's just hair/makeup and choosing the right outfit. All that mental anguish. The convincing myself to be positive. Then being too positive, which led to the negative, and then pushing myself back into positivity-for this?!

I must say it was a let down. But even more so because I was sooo clearly convinced he was the one. 

Moral of the story: I should've just stayed my regular 'nothing to get excited about' self. That way I can never get let down-always expect it to be bad and then, if it ends up good=surprise happy ending :)

Taking a Gal for Granted

I've been off the radar lately, I'll ashamedly admit it. I was trying to let my feeling simmer down. My anger and frustration with Shidduchim, with Shadchanim, with the whole system. I tried reading, eating, jogging, even meditating, and then watching movies, but nothing could completely distract me nor take away the fumes of frustration of being in Shidduchim. I thought about solving the worlds problems, then solving my own-which turns out-was more complicated :(

and so, here I am. Trying to overcome my emotions and move on with life, smile, and let others live. Let life take its course and do good things. That distraction truly worked. Chesed makes me smile and puts a smile on the face of others. It makes me feel good and feel like I'm doing SOMETHING and if I cannot do something to help my situation with Shidduchim, atleast, let me help others with things I can help with, like for example: delivering Bikur Cholim meals.

Getting back to this post, though, I need to bring something up. This is probably the 3rd or 4th time that I received a call from a Shadchan telling me a guy was in town. Usually it's for another Simcha, or he had a date that didn't work out but was still here for a day or two and so they were trying to chap someone for him. In the past, this idea didn't quite work out well for me. You see, on one hand, I was like 'hey, the guy is here, I don't have to travel, I can go chill for a couple of hours-it's a win/win'. But each time I acquiesced, I came home upset, after having spent hours with a guy who was either a total moron (excuse the language), or who left his brain back home. I couldn't believe that someone who knew me, or even a Shadchan who I'd spoken with, would set me up with such a type of boy. But they figured the same as me-what could they lose? The guy was in town, I was in town, we were both 'available' and single, looking to get married so what's a few hours?

Let me tell you-when it's with those kind of boys=it's a few hours too many.

What further aggravates me is that alot of the time, it would be boys that were suggested or name-dropped to me in the past, but these boys said no to me for a variety of reasons. Even if it was suggested numerous times to the same guy over a number of years, he kept saying no. Yet, when a bunch of guys arrived here Erev Shabbos on a roadtrip, suddenly my phone was ringing off the hook, saying the said guy/s are in town and would like to date me now-ya right.

It's totally taking advantage of us, females. Like, we're not good enough, but now that you're bored and there's no Times Square, and you don't know anyone here-why not hang out for a few hours? And to assume that because suddenly you are here, in town, and agree to date, then we have to jump?

Atleast, do some good PR work for yourself, or let the Shadchan talk a girl up and make it sound better than it is. That way we don't have to feel like last night's supper being rewarmed in the microwave because now you're hungry (where did that just come from?)

Well, that's my rant. I believe in making people feel good. What does a simple compliment cost? nada. What does it make a person feel like? a million bucks. So say thank you, be polite, smile-you never know how making another person feel like a, actual PERSON can achieve. Don't take anyone for granted-treat them like a mentch-trust me, they'll appreciate you more and respect you for it.

over and out...

Shidduchim as a 'Prize'

Not  that I wanna badmouth any organization, BUT I was and still very much am so disappointed by something I've recently heard. It sends an  organization, which for now will remain nameless in this post, has publicized that if you make a donation to their cause, you can "win" a shidduch. Meaning you choose from their top 5 "well reputable" Shadchan & the Shadchan of your choice had to set you up with 3 good matches. Oh and if any of them work out then Shadchan is paid. 

Wheni was first told about this I honestly thought it was a prank. Then I heard it from a second person and realized it was sadly true. 

Why it's this a prize? I've met with and spoken with these "top" Shadchansuss who won't even return a call, let alone respond to an email. But if I pay money then suddenly they will come up with all these great guys?

How come they can't give these suggestions on a regular Shadchan term? 

And how would all these rabbis and editors and board members allow this to be considered a well converted and sought after prize?!?

Is the world going mad?

Ringing in the New Year-Alone

When I was younger I used to always be jealous of the older kids who got to stay up and watch the 'ball drop'. Tho I never knew what 'the ball dropping' actually was and why it was exciting, I just remember thinking they got to stay up all night long. 

Then I grew up. I stayed up late watching with my older sibs, then alone, then my younger teenage sibs. All the couples huddling into each other with frosty breathe and funky 2000 new year glasses. All the romcoms where the couples share a kiss at midnight. It's sweet to see, even though in retrospect it's kinda stupid. For us, New Years means nothing. It's iust a different date big WOOP. I go on Lotsa diff dates-lol!

All kidding aside, even though it's quite meaningless, each year as I watch sitcoms, movies, and even the real ball drop, I sorta get this lonely feeling, like I would wanna do something crazy and party all night long-with a HUBBY/boyfriend. I would wanna freeze my buns off in timessquare after. The hours of traffic it would take getting there and say we experienced this crazy thing together that is a once in a lifetime thing. 

I know it sounds meaningless and stupid and ever so girly, but sometimes you just have to enjoy the stupid things in life that you can do together and laugh about after. 

So here's to all the single gals/guys taking in the new year alone, or perhaps you have a bottle of Jonny walker, starbucks or Whoever with U. 

May we all celebrate many new things together!

Happy new year