10 Questions from a Shadchan

I received this from a friend of mine (thanks Leahle). She got a number for this 'Shadchan' and after speaking with the Shadchan, was told to complete this form.
What do you think of it?

1. Marriage- your reasons

    What are the top 3 reasons you want to get married?

 

 

2. Marriage- his/her reason

    What are the top 3 reasons you think your future spouse/date wants to get married? (not your reason)

 

 

 

3. The other person -the

    What are the top 3 things you are looking for in your spouse?

 

 

4. The other person -the

    What are the top 3 things you DO NOT want your spouse to be or do?

 

 

 

5. Children

    Do you want to still have children? If yes, how many? and Are you capable? How much time after the marriage would you start having children?

 

 

6. Anger

    What are the top 3 things that will get you angry? What do you do when you get angry?

 

 

7. Trust

    who are the 3 people you trust? (i don't want the names, just who they are, ie; parent, friend, etc.)

 

 

8. Financial

    Explain your approach to the "money" aspects of marriage. ie; who is responsible for earning it? seperate checking accts? etc.

 

 

 

 

9. Dating Laws and expectations?

a) How many dates and how long in time do you think one should date before it can be considered serious?  

(optional) b)  Do u allow touching, kissing, hugging and even sex? Are u expecting it?

 

 

 

10. Roles

      What is your general opinion of the roles of men and women? Who should be the boss?

Oddest Shidduch Descriptions

I am challenging all readers of this blog to post the oddest shidduch description they've ever received. Be it on a dating site, on a shidduch resume, on a self-described personal website of a guy, or of his mom.

Just last week I received another odd description (I kid you not-it is FIVE pages long!) and it really did not describe the guy at all-it was like some kind of abstract poetic themed article. 

So, feel free to post it here. 

If there is anything specific in the description you will post, that can lead someone to know who the description belongs to-please remove that part before posting.

I will be posting some of the weird descriptions I've received personally, as well as some from friends of mine who have forwarded them for this purpose.

River Cafe RIP OFF

Anyone hear/see about this article which was feature in the NY post yesterday?

For one thing, quite of few of my dates have taken me there. It's a really nice, scenic place. However, after reading the article I feel bad for these guys. I mean, I'm an out-of-towner so almost all places I am taken on dates are 'new' to me (except when I've already been there....anyone say Manhattan Marriot Marquis?), but for guys who have dates a few times per week and take the girl to the same place each time, this is very disturbing. Especially the 'usuals', y'know, when you're on a date and the doorman greets the guy by his first name, and most of the staff know him. That means the guy spends almost $100 a week on a couple of drinks. Not to mention parking meters/parking lots, car rentals, and extras.

Therefore, I'd like to apologize to all guys who have taken me to the River Cafe on dates and for having been charged more than the share fare. 

Sorry guys....

If you're Interested-MAKE A MOVE

A few years back (ok, make that more than a few...) when I was obsessed with AIM (AOL Instant Messenger) and Jewish chat rooms, I ran into a situation. You see, back then, there was no myspace or facebook, no twitter or pinterest, and 'shidduch resumes' did NOT exist. The 'facebook' of those days was chat rooms. Me, being interested in learning about them and knowing how they work, but still the cautious, naive, Bais Yaakov girl, started to do some experimenting. I went to a few sites, sat there for a while watching the feed move along, the people entering/exiting the chat rooms, and mostly, observing the chat conversations and learning what the lingo meant (for those who are curious, 'asl?' was the common open line). After some time, the Jewish websites starting boasting their own Jewish chat rooms, with members using the same screen name. 

I don't specifically recall the details, but all I know is that from a chatroom, I met this guy. Obviously I wasn't that naive to EVER give any of my information over, not even a hint of my specific details. He provided his screen name and I provided mine and we chatted through AIM messenger. I learned that he was 'of age' and from what he described, sounded like the type of guy I was looking for. We got chatting more and his description started to sound really familiar to a point where I informed him that I believe he was suggested to me in the past. I asked what his initials were, in order to confirm my suspicions and lo and behold they were exactly as I thought! We sent emails back and forth with our information, once I informed him of his name (when he FREAKED out) and this, I thought, was the way I would get the Shidduch to go ahead. In the past, when he was suggested, he kept saying no. When he told me that he had heard about me and was interested, I asked him why he kept saying no? Usually, someone who is interested does something about it, or atleast gives a yes. Sadly, he informed me that his mother was in charge and she decided who he dated or not. 

At that point, I was amazed and at the same time disappointed. Here we were, two (young) adults, who have heard about each other, were even suggested for each other, both of us were interested in getting to know each other more, but we were being roadblocked by his mom!?!?! I was more disappointed in him, being the guy who was in college, becoming a professional, supposedly ready to get married, but couldn't stand up for himself, or even to his mom and say 'here's this girl, I want to date her'. 

Needless to say, I ended our little chat then. I was very direct in informing him that leisurely chat would get us no where and obviously dating wouldn't happen.

I just don't get it-why can't boys/men speak for themselves anymore? Be a man and MAN up!

Busy

I'm trying to figure out just how many definitions there for for the term 'busy'. Obviously, this is in Shidduch terms. You see, I feel like these days, 'busy' is being used so freely, that it can be an excuse for anything really, and in terms of Shidduchim, anyone who doesn't have the guts to be honest and say no to a shidduch suggestion, or after a date, will use the term 'busy' to politely decline and hope you get the message.

Case in Point: A friend of mine was suggested to this guy. She sent her info to the Shadchan and was then asked for more info and a photo. She called the Shadchan to ask if the boy was interested, or just wanted a photo for his collection, but the Shadchan assured her that he was interested & asked for it himself. She never heard back. Weeks went by and she called the Shadchan, who didn't answer her calls. Eventually she received a formal email informing her that the guy was busy. If he really was busy-why did he ask for a photo? Wouldn't that be double timing is current date (and reason for being 'busy')? It's just an excuse (he doesn't think she's pretty enough). 

Here's a few ways 'busy' can be used when it comes to Shidduchim. Feel free to add your own :)

1. the guy totally thinks your photo is ugly, but too polite to say anything...aka 'he's busy'.

2. umm, totally not the type of girl at all that he is looking for, but feels bad saying that, so 'he's busy'.

3. Superbowl night-doesn't wanna miss a game for a date-'he's busy' (watching/at the game)

4. Dating another girl, but doesn't wanna commit to her, or to you, wants to keep you as the back-up in case his current date is a total busy, hence he's 'busy'.

5. On a roadtrip with a few guys so he can 'chill out' from all the stress-he's currently 'busy'

6. Taking a dating break-he's busy for the next while and will get back if and when that happens....

The Opposite of Flirting

Is there a word that exists which defines the opposite of flirting? Cuz, that's the sentiment I had when I was in Shul over Yom Tov. Seriously-the one time I decide to go 'shul-hopping', I know I'm too old to do that, but at my stage in the Shidduch game, I figured it might broaden my horizons and perhaps I might lay eyes on a guy who's not in my Shul. Maybe an out-of-towner, maybe a boy who has been in Israel and only came home for Yom Tov, someone's relative/guest, etc. I did the bold move-I went to a few different Shuls over Yom Tov and it was a bit distracting, but I was able to daven properly and linger just a bit, walked home a bit slower than my normal speed-in order to try and check out the guys. 

Well, if no one else can help me, I might as well atleast try and see what I can do to help myself, right?

So, when I got to Shul #3, it was a bit of a letdown as the average age was 50+, but I did meet a few people I knew there, including some married friends of mine who came home for Yom Tov. The thing that bothered me though, was that in middle of davening-say atleast 2 hours after Shacharis, these young guys would walk into the women's section, or 'happen to pass by', or be in the adjoining room in order to have a l'Chaim. I'm sorry to say but it was obvious by their dress, their actions, as well as some of the language (couldn't help overhearing whilst they were cussing a bit loud), that I was seriously repulsed. Give them credit for coming to Shul, I thought, atleast they're doing that much. But the other side of me was thinking, 'they only came to drink, they're not even davening!' what a Chutzpah and how disrespectful to do in a Shul! I continued to daven, kept my head down and purposely ignore the noise, disruption, and constant 'passing by' of these guys. But when one of them deliberately walked right infront of me, for G-d knows what, in the ladies' section, it disturbed me. Here I was, totally repulsed, and not wanting to even be seen/noticed/recognized by these guys. Yes, a girl likes to get noticed, but not in that way, but those types of boys. It was sorta sick the way they looked at me, and the handful of other singles. I was wondering if I should take up nose-picking for the rest of Shul just to ensure they would feel the same as I did-repulsed, and perhaps leave Shul, or never come back to the women`s section, let alone `peek`in. 

So, what is the opposite of flirting, cuz whatever word defines that-is clearly what I was trying to do.

Thank goodness Yom Tov was eight days and there are more than enough Shuls within walking distance. As soon as Mussaf was over-I didn`t linger, nor walk slowly, I ensured my heels were securely on my feet and brisk-walked home, looking at the floor the entire time. Gives me chills to still think of the way their faces looked as they swept over the singles-more like the hyenas eyeing the carcasses in the lion king...

Jewgling

As I've mentioned on this blog before, Google has become very useful, especially when it comes to Shidduchim. You can google just about anything, anyone, any city, school, etc. and find atleast something about what you're looking for (most of the time).  I'm not an obsessive google-searcher when it comes to Shidduchim, I mean, I have my ways of finding things out-usually its with communicating with people, then comes the techno research, etc. 

When it comes to the Techno searching, I like to do, what I call 'Jewgling' (Jewish Googling) and find whatever I can. Sometimes it's people we know in common, sometimes it's educational, background, family, and if I get lucky, an age, or photo, which usually is extremely helpful. Obviously, speaking to references, or common people is the best research as people can tell you alot about a person, and even just tone of voice, or pauses can answer your questions. But, you can't always get lucky, hence the research-especially if you or the guy which is being redd are from out of town....

Now, I thought I was pretty focused and keep my research plain and simple=either I find stuff, or I don't. If I don't, I call the Shadchan and ask for more details, to help find information. That sounds pretty easy, right?

What surprises me though, is that there are people that exist, who are OBSESSIVE JEWglers. I mean, heavy research, and by research=they couldn't really care about the basic details, they care more about materialistic. They will research any/all financial information/records/documents, as well as use google maps to check out what the home of the family looks like. They will use search tools to check if there were any court hearings, and what the family/boy/parents/grandparents' net worth is. Seriously. 

If that doesn't scare you-yesterday a friend of mine called me to do some techno search for her, as she didn't have access to a computer (data roaming is expensive!). The minute I started typing the boy's name, google showed he was already 'jewgled' with the term 'net worth' at the end. How insane is that? No one actually googled him-but they googled how much he was WORTH!

What is this world coming to? People care more about tablecloths, cutlery, sheitels, home decor, cars, etc. then the actual PEOPLE they are to marry. We live in a society where people are at the top (financially) and the next day, they go bankrupt. Who is to decide how long they will be fortunate for. Perhaps the Range Rover parked in the driveway on google maps, is the neighbor's? What if the name is very common and all the researched information on financial claims, court hearings, etc. all belong to ANOTHER person bearing the same name?

I say keep Jewgling simple, but be smart when you search, know that not everything on the internet is legit-some are people's opinions, some are random photos uploaded and tagged with a name belonging to someone else, some are made up, etc. Make sure you do your searches properly. Good luck Jewgling.

The Shadchan's Shanda...

World's Unluckiest Bachelor? 6 Matchmakers, 250 Dates, and Larry Greenfield's Still Single. Here's Why..

Larry Greenfield: bad luck or bad in love?(Dennis Clark/Polaris)

Larry Greenfield can't understand why he hasn't met his wife. He's successful, single and he's not cheap.

In the past 12 years, the 47-year-old has spent over $65,000 dollars on matchmaking services, according to the New York Post.

Now 250 blind dates later he's still single and he's blaming his former matchmakers.

"You pay them up front and they don't provide a service. They tell you how wonderful you are, whatever you want to hear," Greenfield told The Post.

The retired Wall Street trader seems to have approached his quest for a wife like a kind of business acquisition. "My job right now is meeting a girl," he says in the Post's now viral profile. 

It's not exactly a romantic notion, but then neither is paying money for a set-up. But with his laundry list of requirements for a partner, Greenfield figured matchmaking was his best bet. It wasn't.

"His problem is he's a six and he wanted tens," Maureen Tara Nelson, one of Greenfield's former matchmakers, tells Yahoo! Shine. She claims Greenfield chose his dates through her based on photos and profiles but still came back unsatisfied. "He'd say there was no chemistry, but he picked the women!" says Nelson. Greenfield didn't respond to our request for comment at press time.

The Post, however, does paint Greenfield as a bit too detail-oriented. In addition to a woman who's slim, Jewish, and funny, he wants a "non-alpha"-someone who isn't committed to a career.

In New York, that type of women is increasingly rare, according to Nelson.

"He thinks because he's wealthy he could get a beautiful women, but what he doesn't realize is that beautiful women in New York are also already successful."

Maxine Gordon, a 44-year-old comedian set up with Greenfield, echoes that sentiment.

"I think he's looking for something that doesn't exist: a gorgeous, talented, Jewish woman like Natalie Portman, except 'I stay at home; I'm here to put on your slippers and clean your room,' " Gordon toldThe Post, after her first date with Greenfield was also her last. "He's looking for love at first sight, and everyone has imperfections. Talk to someone. Get to know them."

If Greenfield needs to lower his expectations with women, he may also need to change his approach to meeting them.

"Matchmaking might not be the right way for him to meet women," says Amy Laurent, a Manhattan matchmaker who recently starred in Bravo's Miss Advised. "It's no longer the days where older men looking for younger women can go to a matchmaker to buy their love."

"People who hire matchmakers for thousands of dollars generally want to avoid the vulnerability that we all face when we search for love, " says Nancy Slotkin, a matchmaker who Greenfield has reportedly set his sites on next. "Rejection is part of the process even for the best catches. High-priced matchmakers prey on people's fear of rejection and often make a lot of false promises."

Laurent agrees her colleagues sometimes get blinded by checks "waving in their faces," when they should be turning down overly picky clients who will never be satisfied with what they believe is a purchase.

Now that Greenfield's quest for love has gone viral, his luck with women may be getting worse. Imagine searching this guy's name before a date and coming up with articles like this one.

"I think it's going to make dating harder for the kind of woman he wanted, " says Laurent. "But maybe that's not such a bad thing--I believe everything happens for a reason." 

How Perceptive Are We?

Over Yom Tov I met up with some friends of mine, who moved to 'the big city' for dating purposes. Of course, after all the catching up, we spoke of our dating lives. My friend Chavi had the most horrifying experience, and I feel the need to share it with you all if it will save even one of you, fellow readers, from almost ending up like she did. 

Here's what happened:

She was set up with a guy last minute, and by last minute-she was packing up after a Shabbos at a family when she received a call telling her this guy was in town and he seemed to be here type and he was coming to get her. They went out and all was ok, just 'ok'. The next day they went out again, and being that the guy had to travel back that night, they left like early morning and spent the next 10-12 hours together on a full-day date. All was 'ok' and so they decided to continue on. She was a bit hesitant but the person who suggested the shidduch told her to just 'go with the flow' and 'casually continue with him directly' (in other words-she cut herself outta the picture). They went out again and again and basically they had already planned the wedding, future lives together, etc. The thing is, because they were living in two different cities, almost opposite ends of the continent, most of the dating took place in the more common city=his. Chavi decided to bring the guy home to meet her family, friends and to show him her hometown, where she grew up, the small city, etc. But instead of her friends and family being happy with her-they told her she brought home the wrong guy. She was shocked by this reaction and first, alluded it to her friends being jealous that she finally found the guy. Imagine, how she felt, so happy, so secure in her decision and her close friends telling her he wasn't 'the one'. She was really upset, but when her newly married friends met up with her and the guy, they told her the same, as did her family. She couldn't figure out why everyone was sooo against this guy, especially when she spent so much time with him herself and thought he was great. Then, someone pointed out something he said and asked if it bothered her. She did in fact hear him when he said that 'thing' but decided it was a one time thing and brushed it off. Another relative of hers pointed out to her certain behaviors and asked if it was something that bothered her, but again, she did notice it only once or twice and told herself to only focus on the good. 

Chavi, the positive person she is, decided the negative things were only small things and once off that she had seen/heard, and she figured it was nerves trying to 'tell her' to back off, but she wouldn't allow herself to focus on the negative and she therefore focused on the bigger picture and that he was a great guy. But of course, as more and more people pointed out small things. People who had only just met this guy as an outsider-she realized that this was not just jealousy. She went to speak with her dating mentor who had asked detailed questions and had then informed her that these 'small things' so to speak were an indication to much bigger issues that can seriously affect any relationship. 

She was advised by a Rav to break off the Shidduch, and so, unfortunately, after all the time, energy, and effort of almost getting engaged, she went ahead and broke it off. 

Baruch Hashem, Chavi is now over this hurdle, but it definitely affected her, as it would affect anyone. The purpose of this post is not for everyone to over analyze each date and everything your date says/does and the way he acts, but just to tell you to take things into consideration. If something bothers you, speak to someone about it, if not the actual guy/girl you're dating. If you feel comfortable having your friends/family meet someone who you feel might have potential-then go ahead and do so, as long as everyone is on board. 

Just be aware. Not all the time are people out to get you and jealous. Your family & friends care for you alot, they know you best and want what's best for you-value their opinion and just listen to what they have to say.

May we never know of such things and only have good dates with great guys with only AMAZINGLY happy endings :)