Sloppy Seconds

OK, my singledoms, I'm quite frustrated (again!)

Here's the deal:

There's me, the single out-of-town gal in Shidduchim, and there's my first cousin, who also shares the same last name, from the same town, who, even though is a few years my junior, is also in Shidduchim.

Now, although we share the same last name, the same family background and similar genes, and we're looking for the same type of guy, we're two very different girls! We don't look alike, we have different personalities, or what I like to refer to as 'me=the zany, she=the brainy' and we may share similar values, but again, are 2 separate beings.

Here's wherein the frustration lies.

Because our last name is uncommon and we're both from a small out-of-town town, and we're both looking for a guy in the same category, we often get 'redd' the same guys. B"H I'm close with my cousin and we share our dating stories, etc. and this is how we found out that we either were redd to the same or dated the same boys. But lately, what is happening is that a guy gets suggested for me and then decides that because we're the same age, he's not interested, but then goes for my cousin, just because her age 'fits', so to speak. This happens because it goes through the same Shadchan. For example, 'Reuven Shimon' gets my profile, looks into me, the shadchan sings my praises but then he finds out that we're the same age, or really close in age and says no due to that fact alone. The Shadchan then says, he's such a great guy, and she has a cousin looking for the same type, but she's younger, maybe he'll go for the cousin, and then that's how the story goes.

So, ya, I'm frustrated because we are constantly being put together as the same person only with 2 different ages. my cousin is getting frustrated as she's only getting suggested to these boys because they think she's a younger version of me=she's getting my sloppy seconds, so to speak.

So, how do you think we can stop this from happening? Like I can't help what happens without my knowledge and what shadchans and/or other people say/suggest/email, but I guess as long as we have the same last name, the same hometown and same specs on the type of guy, it'll just keep happening, huh?

The REAL Shidduch questions to ask

Chazal tell us that Noach used a “secret weapon” with which he was able to rebuild the world anew after the destruction of the flood: "vbch sxj okug"/ R’ Mordechai Gifter ZT”L explains that the fact that Noach was locked inside a floating ark for 120 days with nothing to do but chessed - kindness for his family, kindness for the animals - was for the sole purpose of entrenching the ideal of chessed into his very fiber so that when it would be time to come out and start all over

again, he would do so with the attribute of kindness. This was - and continues to be - the only way the world can exist.

It is told that one day a Yid from Yerushalayim traveled to Bnei Brak to ask the Rosh Yeshivah of Ponevezh, R’ Shmuel Rozovsky ZT”L, about a boy in the yeshivah for his daughter who had reached marriageable age. He arrived at the yeshivah and entered the Rosh Yeshivah’s home during the break between learning sessions.

R’ Shmuel greeted him cordially and asked why he had come. He explained to the Rosh Yeshivah that he was inquiring about a particular boy and R’ Shmuel told him to ask what was on his mind.

The man wanted to know, first and foremost, how many hours a day did the bochur learn? Was he punctual in arriving to Seder and did he spend his time diligently? Does he come to davening on time and does he actively participate in the Shiur? Does he ask relevant questions and does he understand the answers?

R’ Shmuel knew the boy well and was able to answer each and every question satisfactorily. After receiving a favorable report in regard to his questions, the man thanked R’ Shmuel for his time and began to get up to leave. At this point, R’ Shmuel in his gentle and noble manner, turned to the father and said, “Until now, you’ve asked me a number of questions. Do you mind if I ask you a couple of questions?” Of course, the man agreed.

R’ Shmuel looked at the man and said, “It seems to me that you are inquiring about the boy for your daughter and you seem happy with the report I gave you. You obviously think that all your daughter needs to know is whether he comes on time and if he is a lamdan, a boy who is studious and well-versed in the intricacies of the Talmud.” The man nodded his head in agreement. “Did it ever occur to you,” asked R’ Shmuel, “do you think it is entirely possible that your daughter would like to know if this boy is a mentsch? If he is a Baal Chessed?”

R’ Shmuel continued. “It would seem fitting that you should ask me: How often does he brush his teeth? Is he pleasant to sit next to? How does he behave in the company of others? Does he arrive first to the dining room and take the biggest portion, or does he linger after mincha for a few minutes to learn with his study partner and eat whatever portion is left?”

The man began to answer but R’ Shmuel just continued speaking. “I’m sure your daughter would be curious to know what does he do when the pitcher is empty on the table; does he wait for someone else to fill it up or does he run to fill it up himself? Does he ever go into the kitchen to thank the staff for preparing the food? Does he eat the food even if he doesn’t like it and thanks them graciously for preparing it or does he just go to the nearby kiosk to buy something he likes?

“You came to the conclusion that he is a masmid; did you ask what he does when he finishes learning late at night and his roommates are sleeping? Does he take off his shoes and tiptoe in so as not to wake them or does he walk in noisily? Does he make his bed and keep his things neat? Does he think about others and want to do chessed for them or does he just think about himself?” R’ Shmuel concluded, “I think that you need to check these things out. If he is spoiled and he arrives home in the afternoon and does not like the food your daughter will work hard to prepare, will his face crumple in obvious dissatisfaction? Will your daughter then be happy that her father checked the boy out with the Rosh Yeshivah who told him that he knows every Ketzos and Rabbi Akiva Eiger? Will you daughter say, it’s true that he has no manners and no social skills but I respect him anyway because he knows the sugya of the bees and the mustard in Bava Basra?”

The man hung his head in shame - but he got the message. This is was R’ Shmuel’s approach to finding the proper shidduch for a bas yisroel.

Taken from Torah Tavlin Parshas Noach

How does it Work?

Guys-I need your help here. I need to sorta understand how men work when it comes to being frum in regards to certain things and being lax in others.

So, I consider myself a Bais Yaakov-outta town girl. I'm relaxed, fun, worldly, have internet, watch tv, listen to radio, but I go to shiurim, I go to Shul, I daven, I dress tzniusdik and I am Shomer Negiah and don't hang out with guys.

Whilst I have friends who are all of the above, none of the above, or only some of the above, that's the beauty of being different, right?

And so, I have dated guys from all different walks of life, different personalities, different backgrounds and levels of frumkeit.

So here's what I don't get. How do you decide which of the following to be makpid on, i.e. only eating cholov yisroel, not watching movies, not listening to kol isha, etc. whilst being lax on others, i.e. going to a sports bar, listening to the radio, wearing jeans, etc.

And can you mix the two?

I'm not judging here, cuz I have nothing specific, I'm just trying to understand how it works. Like if I go out with a guy who only wears white shirts and black pants, is from a very yeshivish family, doesn't watch movies, listen to music, comes from a small community, and then he tells me that he watches American Idol, is that considered normal or 'black sheep'?

I HATE playing 'The Game'

Last week I called yet another NEW Shadchan.

y'know those people you randomly meet, or the nice neighbors whose daughter of 18 1/2 years just got engaged, so now they feel they can share their segulah secrets, and give you the name of all Shadchanim they dealt with, etc. Ya, so basically, we got some more numbers and made some more introductions, well, y'all know the drill....

After all the calls and emails and texts, one of the Shadchanim actually got in touch and agreed to meet me. So, there I was yapping away, telling the Shadchan about all my horror date stories and making fun of the real bad ones and it was totally cool. I was actually beginning to like the Shadchan when the topic of sending photos came into play. I explained how I felt, honestly, and how I understood that photos are great-you can save yourself alot of time, effort and traveling sometimes just by viewing one, but at the same time, it should be a give & take thing=boy wants photo, he should send one as well, etc.

side note-I've done this in the past and it has worked well. I don't mean it worked well as in I got tons of pix of hot guys, but I mean that both sides were mature about it, cooperated, sent pix, were honest about whether after viewing the pix they wanted to go ahead and case closed.

I guess that was my downfall cuz then the Shadchan went on a whole rant about having to play the 'Shidduch Game'. No offense my single friends, but I HATE to play any type of Shidduch game. Ya, I LOVE to play-sports, dance dance, farmville, scrabble, anything fun and exciting, but when it comes to real people and people's lives and emotions=there are no fun & games involved in such things. I explained that I'm an honest person and as much as I love crazy things and acting all nutso sometimes, I can't fake anything, nor can I play along with any games, just so that a guy would be willing to go out with me-it's just soo not my thing! I don't like to deceive people, especially when it comes to Shidduchim and I don't like being deceived either.

Anyway, turns out that convo didn't go that smoothly, but I just hate to think how many people are just playing the game just to be in it.

scarrrrrrry!

WELCOME HOME GILAD SHALIT!

Whilst I had so much time to think over yom tov (in between the davening and all those meals) and had many great ideas for posts, it's been B"H so hectic that I haven't had time to publish them....yet. So until I get there, how can I not post a huge

WELCOME HOME GILAD SHALIT!

Watching the video clips made me cry, as I'm sure was the same reaction for most. But B"H he's home and what a Simchas Torah they will have.

May we all merit that are long awaited zivugim finally come HOME to us and we can all celebrate our Simchas Toras together with our true other halfs!

2 Boxes

I received this email and believe it's a great thought to start off the new year with=being greatful for all those Gifts Hashem gives to us!

God's Boxes

I have in my hands two boxes,
Which God gave me to hold.
He said, 'Put all your sorrows in the black box,
And all your joys in the gold.'

I heeded His words, and in the two boxes,
Both my joys and sorrows I stored,
But though the gold became heavier each day,
The black was as light as before.

With curiosity, I opened the black,
I wanted to find out why,
And I saw, in the base of the box, a hole,
Which my sorrows had fallen out by.

I showed the hole to God, and mused,
'I wonder where my sorrows could be!'
He smiled a gentle smile and said,
'My child, they're all here with me..'

I asked God, why He gave me the boxes,
Why the gold and the black with the hole?
'My child, the gold is for you to count your blessings,
The black is for you to let go.'

We should consider all of our friends a blessing.
Send this to a friend today just to let them know you
are thinking of them and that they are a joy in your life.
A ball is a circle, no beginning, no end.
It keeps us together like our Circle of Friends.
But the treasure inside for you to see,
Is the treasure of friendship you've granted to me

Any Answer is still an Answer!

I may have mentioned this before, so don't kill me if I somehow am repeating myself.

Here's the deal:

I've been 'redd' a few guys in the last couple of weeks and was asked, as well, to email my Shidduch resume, to which I quickly sent the info.

Days passed, weeks passed, and nothing happened.

At first, we called the people who 'redd' the shidduch, even though I KNOW that when you don't get an answer=the answer is NO, but sometimes people are just forgetful and not always on top of things and they need to be nudged.

So, I did my share of nudging. I HATE nudging, but we called, and we emailed and we left messages but NADA! Literally not a returned call, or anything.

Eventually, my mom ended up getting through to one of the people who never got back to us. Turns out, weeks later, the person who redd the shidduch gave some kinda indirect, sketchy response about the boy who he suggested just starting school and won't have time to date, etc.

Now, ladies & gents-do I care what the excuse is? No! In all of honesty, every excuse is just that=an excuse. Like the guy didn't know a few weeks prior that he signed up for school, or that he'd be too busy to date? If that was the case, why did he even request my info? He should've just told the shadchan, 'sorry dude, I'm starting courses and will not be available for dating for the next few weeks until the semester is over'.

So, I don't care about what excuse the person uses. The only thing I request of Shadchanim and people 'redd'ing (me) shidduchim is JUST TO GET BACK TO US SINGLES WHO ARE IN LIMBO once something is redd. Don't be embarrassed, ashamed, etc. if the other party says no and for whatever reason, but just PLEASE get back to them and let them know they can move on.

As far as I'm concerned, no one like hanging around waiting...