And...When Too Much Information-is Useful

My last post was regarding a Shadchan who had been in touch with me in order to tell me that my shidduch resume had too much information and the last few 'potentials' she sent it to, complained of this. She therefore, 'kindly suggested' that perhaps, I just scrap the details (I luv, luv, luv to write in detail-to give people more of a picture) and just give her the basics....more like my aim conversations when aol was still dial-up with the 3 step start screen and chatting online in my teen years was a conversation that always started as follows: 'asl?' So, basically more than a decade later-I'm doin the same thing-only here, I'm providing the info...the REAL info.

In any case, while no one has complained about my details which I included in my resume up until now, I didn't actually think there was anything wrong and clearly wrote the information which I usually ask regarding MY potential dates.

So, to update you-as funny as this seems, the same Shadchan phoned me just the other day. It seems there was someone she had in mind, and she told me that the boy's mother had a few questions which she would need answered. Out of the 3 questions that she asked-2 would've been answered-had she actually READ my resume-as this was 2 points clearly written, in what she would call 'my details' which the lady didn't seem to think was important.

So, just to tell y'all=GO FIGURE! too little? too much? In the end, I'm just gonna make each individual happy (for the time being, unless it gets crazy) and change my 'resume' to their likings.

Soon, we're gonna have to each have our own YouTube 20 second 'introduce yourself vid', that will solve all the ShidduchWorld's problems!!!

when Too Much Info is not good

Since this whole 'Shidduch Resume' thing came into being, a couple of years ago, we all had to succumb and get ourselves a nicely written resume. So we learned the tips of Microsoft Word and put in all information which we thought was pertinent to know.

Then, came the photo to be included

Then, shortly afterwards, came the commentary.

I, personally, have been on the receiving end of many a critique from shadchanim, friends, family, etc.

Some Shadchanim have complimented me, telling me that even though they never actually 'met' me before, they really feel they know me, based on my resume and what was written and, I guess, how it was written.

Some have told me to leave out certain points.

Others have told me to include certain points.

Add more references, take out references, as there were too many, etc.

The list goes on and on and on.

So, these days when people ask me to email/fax them my resume as they might have someone in mind, I send it and tell them: 'this is my resume. I'm sending it to you the same way I send it out to anyone. It's written by me and describes me pretty well-I think, as I'm the one who wrote it. There are no secrets, no 'hidden clauses', and I think I pretty much put myself out there in one page or less. However, if you don't like it-feel free to do whatever you wish with it; cut, copy and paste, I don't care, if it makes you happy. I'm happy with my resume and I'm sending it to you as is.'

Last week I got a call from a Shadchan complaining. She said that the last few times she sent out my resume (to a boy's mom, I'm assuming), she received complaints that there was TOO much info. Who woulda ever thought the more info, the worse off? I mean we're talking about BLIND DATING HERE PEOPLE! How else would you find out more about someone?! But she said that I should cut out all the stuff and just put in basic info, as if I"m filling out an application.

Age:

Weight:

Height:

Name:

Reference:

so, to make the world happy (and for those of you out there who always say this 'to do my Hishtadlus', I will scrap away all the details and leave my basics for this Shadchan..

Sheesh!

Thank you Facebook!

I never thought I would be the one writing a post like this-but I'm big on Hakaras Hatov, and these past 2 weeks, I have been saved from more than on date.

The kudos, in these few cases, is to Facebook.

You see, a Shadchan called me up and told me she had spoken with this guy over the phone and he seems like the kind of guy for me. She did mention that she never met him before and requested a photo. She received the photo and was worried that he might be what she called 'large', so in the interim she told me to check into it more and first see if it was at all shayach and at the same time, if I can find out about physical appearance and see if that is shayach as well. She gave me a number of someone who knows him well and I went along trying to find out info.

Disclaimer: even though I know it's NOT looks, but PERSONALITY that will win me over, I do still feel that looks play a major part. I'm not expecting a Jewish Patrick Dempsey, but someone clean, well-groomed, nicely dressed, put together, etc. I'm sure most people agree.

In any case, I called the person who 'hmmed, and hhhmmmmd' the way thru the conversation and said they didn't see him in a while but didn't remember him being large, etc' and asked us to call back in the evening as they would have more info.

Immediately, my brain got working and I was like, 'hey, these people are people who KNOW him. In that case, why weren't they sure how he looked. and WHY would we need to call back to know how he looked?!'

I decided we NEED to get a photo somehow, or find someone who will tell us straight out. Again, this was based on the Shadchan's opinion of his photo, which wasn't that clear.

I called a friend who happened to know the family of this gentleman and was friends on facebook. She gave me her login info and voila-within minutes I was staring at a gentleman, who, was, to put it nicely, definitely more than large. I was disappointed but at the same time thankful that

(a) the Shadchan was honest and gave me her honest opinion

(b) the Shadchan even asked him, just for herself, for a photo

(c) my friend willingly gave me her login info

(d) Facebook had saved me from traveling for what I would see as a disappointing date.

Now, I'm not saying the guy is a bad guy. Not at all=I don't know him to say that. However, it's not the kind of guy I would necessarily want to date, let alone marry. While some of you are probably rolling ur eyes thinking-"how do you know you don't wanna marry him if you don't give him a chance," I'm sure you also would feel the same way if you saw a large guy, really large with a beer belly and kippah. Just cuz he's jewish and single, doesn't mean he's for you.

So, all I'm sayin is, 'Thank you Facebook' for putting a photo to the name, the photo which this guy chose himself to upload for all to see!

Why can't Singles Enjoy their Lives?!?

I was reading BadForShidduchim's post and havta say I totally agree! As a single, I keep hearing these snide remarks, or watching the 'eye-rollers' as I describe my most amazing roadtrip or how I went out with a buncha friends and partied all night long and how just enjoying my life seems like a crime.

Again, B"H that I'm a happy-go-lucky person and I guess I'm easy going in the sense that I don't really care what specific fun 'activity, outing or adventure' I do, as long as I'm with my friends and keeping busy, I know I'm gonna have a great time. And I do keep busy, I have chessed projects I'm involved in, as well as communal projects, I take some courses and tutor on the side and in between I try and get together ATLEAST once a week .

Yes, I quietly cringe on the inside when I see these 18-19 year old pishers come back from seminary in Israel, with their perfectly ironed hair, formed into a perfect Bump with the shiny beaded hairband holding it in place. The newly applied makeup, pleaded skirt and black loafers. They are all dressed up to get married but now that they are back from their year off and into the real world where people go to college, get jobs, have lives and responsibilities-they can't really decide what to do because they're #1 plan is to get married. So they can't take really DO anything, cuz what if they get engaged, then just drop out of school?!?! or get a job for a week-cuz like what if they get engaged like the second week of the year?!

Don't get me wrong-our plan is ALSO to get married, except, we don't run the world. So yes, we can plan, but there is always a backup plan. So we all have jobs (OMG!) and are in school (seriously?) and are not dating or thinking about dating 24/7 but at the same time, are living our life and enjoying! After all, if not now-when?

I have married friends with kids, some of whom would give anything for a girls night out to just chill, go to a movie, eat out with friends, have a spa day or a road trip. I don't have a husband to come home to-yet, or kids who I am responsible to-yet, so why can't I enjoy the life Hashem has given me.

If anything, my enjoying life, in my singlehood-shud be chizuk to all those girls sitting at home each night crying that they're single! I mean wouldn't the world be a crazy place if every single SINGLE you know out there walked around with mascara stains running down their cheeks, puffy red eyes and a sour face?!

So-to all those people out there-all the 'eye-rollers' and people with rude comments-leave us singles alone and let us enjoy this time we have and just BE HAPPY (FOR US) THAT WE ARE HAPPY!

The Greatest Thing=Great Friends!

Pirkei Avos says 'Asei lecha Rav uKnei lecha Chaver' - translated 'ensure you have a Rabbi and a good friend'.

Unfortunately there are alot of single girls out there, some of whom I know personally, who are seriously depressed because most of their friends are married/engaged, leaving them single and lonely. Even more lonelier, because now their old friends are too busy with their chosson/husband and families. At the age when girls are getting engaged/married, its sorta hard for some to make new friends, especially when they're settled in their jobs/school, etc.

Baruch Hashem, I have great, wonderful, amazing, stupendous, couldn't-ask-for-betta friends! and guess what-they're SINGLE girls! I am soo thankful to Hashem for giving me the best friends anyone could ask for. Seriously, these are people who would do anything for someone else, and just knowing that is comforting in itself. They are all happy, motivated, active, etc. and mostly-don't let Shidduchim and all the garbage that goes along with shidduchim, bring them down. They keep busy, make parties, go out, etc.

Now-just the other day, one of my close friends, Estie, called me. Someone had 'redd' her a Shidduch and she didn't think it was shayach for her. She thought of me and not only that, provided me with all and the info as well as photos. Who even sends photos of boys these days!? Not only that, the info was great and sounded really my type and the photo....let's just say :D

Then she said something that really made me smile, she said 'you see? this just goes to show all those people-that there still ARE goodlooking, great personalitied, guys out there who are still single!'

So folks, even though there are some (and hopefully few) singles out there who wouldn't hand over Shidduchim redd to them even though its not at all shayach, or there are those who get phonecalls for you and don't have nice things to say-there are still some great gals (call me about them!) out there who think of others as well=they're MY FRIENDS :)

Find yourself some good ones like I did

Preconditions

Lately, I feel like any Shidduch that gets 'redd', comes with a set few preconditions.

It goes something to the tune of this:

Shadchan calls up: 'guess what Mrs. ___, I have a shidduch for your daughter and I already gave her resume to the boy's mother/family/himself and they checked into her and everything seems ok. The only thing is, they would like to know if ____, and if you agree to that, only then will he give an ok to go out with her'

or it can go something like this: 'Hi Mrs. ____, I have a shidduch for your daughter, the boy's mother/family/himself already checked into her and got great information but before they go ahead and give a yes, they first want to know

a) How much you are willing to pay for wedding & future living costs?

b) If your daughter will travel there-he is absolutely, b'shum oifen not gonna travel for her

c) If you can send a photo-he will not give a 'yes' without first seeing a photo for him to decide if he is attracted to her

d) She is willing to give up TV/Movies/listening to non-Jewish music/wearing jeans, etc.

e) she is willing to move to Israel/Lakewood/random far out city in middle of nowhere - so he can intern there and receive his professional degree, as that's the program he got into and it's really in middle of nowhere.

Now, while some of these options may sound reasonable, we also got alot (if not the above mentioned) that were, excuse my language: INSANE! So, before we even go ahead and look into things for ourselves, before we agree to even hear a boy's name, we havta agree to all these pre-conditions, e.g. go into the relationship promising things without even KNOWING the guy, let alone his name!!!

What has this world come to?! (and I thought prenups were a bit too much, huh?)

Howz THIS for an Answer?

I got a call last night regarding a Shidduch. This woman called to ask me about a friend of mine and I was glad to give her all the good info. As I go on describing the girl and her family and what really great people they are, and telling her stories to back it, the woman stopped me.

She said whilst I know you don't know me personally, let me tell you a bit about us and my son so you can try and get a feel if this is the type of boy your friend is looking for altogether.

I gladly complied.

The woman goes on to tell me that her son is a serious longterm learner and without financial support.

I seriously felt like stopping her and telling her the following, point black: 'Mrs.____, if you're asking if they have money, I'm not their personal bank manager, but I can assure you that they do have enough to support a longterm learner. Any other questions, or is that all you called to find out?'

I had to hold myself back, because this girl was my friend they were calling about and I didn't want to say anything that might harm the shidduch, no matter how I, personally, felt about this call.

Am I wrong??

Dreidel Song

enjoy :)

Perhaps we should send this to Shadchanim & Shidduch 'redd'ers

Just as we are so often asked to send out our resume, perhaps we should have a checklist for the shadchanim and shidduch 'redd'ers for when they call us, e.g.

Shadchan: so, if you can email your resume asap, that would be great

single: sure, I'll email it now. First tho, I'd like to send you an email and if you can read the attachment and let me know if you still feel the shidduch is shayach, then reply and I will gladly email you my resume.

attachment? none other than this week's chofetz chaim lesson-a-day:

Day 85 – Suggesting a Shidduch: The Balance

In light of the prohibition of misleading one’s fellow (see Days 79-80), one may be reluctant to suggest shidduchim (marriage matches) altogether; others may feel it necessary to mention every possible shortcoming of the person so as not to be guilty of misrepresenting the truth.

Few acts of chesed (kindness) can compare with that of helping to build a Jewish home. One who thinks that a certain young man may be a suitable match for a certain young woman is not responsible to investigate the two and their families before proposing the match. That is the responsibility of the parties involved and their parents.

However, the prohibition against misleading one’s fellow requires that one not suggest a shidduch unless:

(1) He believes that given what he knows of their personalities, the two could be a good match, and he is unaware of any reason the relationship should cause pain to either one.

(2) In his opinion, there is reason to believe that their meeting will ultimately result in an engagement. (It is wrong to waste a person’s time, energy and emotions!)

(3) He is not aware of any medical, emotional, or character deficiency that would render one party unfit for marriage.

(4) He does not feel that either party will have a negative influence upon the other.

(5) He is not aware that one party lacks something that the other is insistent upon, or has something to which the other has explicitly expressed strong objection.

Should there be any doubt as to whether any of these conditions have been met; the counsel of a talmid chacham (a very learned person) should be sought.

A bit Too Personal?

The other day I went to eat out with a friend-oh the joys of Chanuka sufganiot with a nice warm latte :)

In any case, we got talking about shidduchim-well more like comparing who has it worse and then she said something which is so true, that I figured it's worth a post on this blog.

We were discussing how dating is your personal life and each person is entitled to their personal, private lives, however, in Shidduchim your personal life becomes everyone elses business, because either they make it their business, or they are 'redd'ing you shidduchim, hence in your business. In both cases, your personal life isn't so personal after all.

Then you have the other 'well-wishers' who bud into your life as well. They're the type who meet you at a communal function or Simcha and walk up to you whilst you're chatting with a few others and start offering you a guy, or telling you that they were called about you-again, infront of everyone (no tact or common sense in those people) and start telling you that you're looking for the wrong things and you're being too picky.

Usually, in those situations you wanna tell the person off to say the least. I was thinking more like pounding them. But as my friend so eloquently put it: do us singles, go over to the married infront of their crowd and ask 'tell me, how are things between you and your husband in the bedroom, huh?'

Chanuka Remix! Happy First Night Y'all!

HAPPY CHANUKA!

I know most of you probably saw this, but in honor of the 1st night of Chanuka=enjoy!